20/20 Vision

I remember sitting down for an eye exam with a new ophthalmologist a few years back. He was walking me through the new patient questionnaire when he asked, “What’s your profession?” I said simply, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” I expected him to be unimpressed. Most people are. But without looking up, he nodded and said, “Ah. So I’ll just write down, everything.” Before I could respond, he’d already moved on to the next question. It was a brief but significant validation, one that’s stayed with me all this time. I’m not sure why affirmation from a total stranger meant so much to me that day. Maybe it’s because for so long whenever someone asked me what I did for a living, I always felt a bit inadequate. I’d say “a stay-at-home mom” with a weak shrug, as if to say it wasn’t much. My vision was obscured because I was seeing myself through the lens of the world. I felt like I could be and I should be more.

I’ve come a long way since that ophthalmology appointment. I understand now my identity is not wrapped up in my profession or title. I recognize that I am not “just” a stay-at-home mom, but I am also a wife, friend, mentor, leader, writer, speaker, and so much more. I am confident in who I am in Christ and who He’s called me to be. I never shrug off my stay-at-home mom status as insignificant anymore. I have the good Lord, (and the good opthalmologist) to thank for my clear vision. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need some lens cleaner now and then.

There are days when I wish I could shirk my stay-at-home mom title and be only a writer, focusing solely on projects that have been in my queue for months on end. Sometimes I daydream about how much more I could accomplish if I didn’t have to make sure everyone had clean clothes to wear, get dinner on the table every night, or shuttle my children around to their activities each day. When my family asks me, “What did you do today?” I sometimes feel insecure about the list I rattle off, like it’s unimportant, like it isn’t sufficient.

I know I’m not the only parent who struggles with this. We are constantly caught between the push and pull of a world that tells us our worth is determined by what we achieve and a God who tells us we are already enough. We grapple with the lie that contributing to our family and our household isn’t the same as contributing to society. We make to-do lists a mile long and then feel disappointed in ourselves when we can’t check every item off before bed. If only we weren’t weighed down by the job, we could be free to do so much more. This internal war we engage in becomes a breeding ground for resentment.

Two weeks ago our family returned from Disneyland with some sweet memories, a suitcase full of souvenirs, and… the flu. For seven days straight either my husband, my daughter, my son, or some combination of the three were at home, sick. Miraculously, I was spared from the the household pandemic, and it’s a good thing too, because no one else was in any condition to lift a finger. The responsibilities of three others were added to my already full plate and I went into machine mode: cleaning, cooking, sanitizing, laundering, and refilling water and tissues at lightning speed. It was exhausting, and I’ll admit I called my mom a couple of times during the week to vent my frustrations. Resentment was bubbling to the surface of my heart. Instead of counting my blessings, I was counting down the hours until everyone was well and I could kick them all back to their respective jobs and classrooms. (It’s seasons like this that it becomes glaringly obvious why I score low in empathy on all those personality tests.) I thought back to my encounter with the ophthalmologist and huffed, “Ya, I really DO do everything, and I’m tired of it!” I went from feeling like the duties of a stay-at-home mom weren’t worthwhile, to feeling like they entitled me to something better. My vision had been over-corrected.

God used wisdom spoken to me through the words of my twelve-year-old daughter to set me back to 20/20 again. Curled up in a corner of the couch, buried in blankets and surrounded by books, Providence watched me collect her used tissues, pour her cough medicine, and top off her water bottle. “Mom,” she mustered with a dry throat, “You’re really good at taking care of me. I’m so thankful God kept you healthy so that you could take care of all of us. Can you imagine what a mess it would be if we were all sick?” I paused. I’ve said it before, but I needed to be reminded: gratitude is the antidote for discontentment. For all the extra work I took on that week, I can’t say I was underappreciated. My daughter, my son, and my husband all frequently expressed their gratitude for the weight I was pulling. I was tired, but I was never unseen by my family, and I was never unseen by God.

The next morning during my time with the Lord, I asked Him to forgive my resentful heart. I prayed He would fill me with compassion, empathy, and patience toward my family. I repented for wishing myself out of my calling as a stay-at-home mom. In my journal, I wrote a prayer of thankfulness, beginning with thanks for an immune system that won out against the plague circulating our home. I listed off the gifts He’s given me: dishes to clean because we eat three meals a day, laundry to do because we have clothes to wear, cups to refill because we have clean water to drink, medicine to administer because we have health insurance and access to quality care, messes to clean up because my children were able to stay home to rest and recover. Above all, I was thankful for being a stay-at-home mom so that I could be home to love and care for my family when they were feeling their worst. I praised God for my husband’s job that allows him sick days so we weren’t feeling the weight of financial strain during an already challenging week. As I journaled, I realized it was because of my stay-at-home mom status that when my family genuinely needed me, I was able to be there for them. I met them in their mess and provided for all their needs, just like my heavenly Father does for me every single day. With fresh perspective, I was able to clearly see how important my job was as a stay-at-home mom, even when it didn’t feel so rewarding.

God gently reminded me that caring for my home and family doesn’t entitle me to rewards or blessings; it is a calling, a ministry, and as such it is a sacrifice. Most of us know that ministries are often thankless endeavors, but that doesn’t make them insignificant. Stepping into our calling with the gifts God has given us is of great worth in His eyes. He promises us our efforts are not in vain. For a stay-at-home at mom, the Kingdom work is in leading our children in the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The ministry is in showing them what Godly contentment looks like and what it means to humbly serve others. The sacrifice is often preparing our home to be a haven of acceptance, generosity, and safety, a hospitable haven to anyone who crosses the threshold. It is not easy, nor is it unnoticed. Our reward is in heaven when we see the fruits of our Kingdom work.

I met with a friend earlier this month, a young mama to a sweet one-year-old boy. As we chased her little one around the playground I remembered fondly the days when my children were that small. I thought of the adage, “The days are long but the years are short.” It dawned on me that my position as a stay-at-home mom isn’t forever. In a few short years, I’ll be retiring the title. All those things I could be doing if I weren’t at home caring for my family? The time will come when I will have the space to devote far more energy to them. I won’t have laundry piling up or meals to plan. I won’t need to shuttle my children anywhere and I won’t need to be on homework duty. I won’t need to care for them when they’ve got the flu or track down their favorite book from the back of the minivan. They’ll always need me of course, but not in the way they do now, and I know I’ll miss it, that being needed. I am already more than a stay-at-home mom, but right now it feels all-consuming. When I feel resentment creeping in, I can remember that a season is coming when I will hang up this hat and trade it for one of the many others I own, and I will see everything in a new light.

Remaining faithful to my family and loving them sacrificially is like swimming upstream. I have to plug my ears to the noise and lies of a world that tells me to only love myself and do what feels best, to pursue my dreams and achieve my personal goals. God tells me I am perfectly suited for the role He’s given me, and that He will provide me with everything I need to fulfill my calling as a stay-at-home mom. I am living out HIS dream for me and achieving the goals He sets forth. The work I do is worthwhile because my family is worth it and I am worthy in the eyes of God. No one else outside my home may see what I do or find it meaningful but God does. Affirming as it was to have my ophthalmologist validate my position, I don’t need his perspective to see myself in 20/20, and neither do you.

“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24