Check No or No

It’s finally happening. Boys are expressing interest in my daughter. It was only a matter of time I suppose. She’s always been gorgeous, and I don’t just mean on the outside. Providence has maintained a reputation for being a kind, inclusive, compassionate, and respectful kid since she was in preschool. Her luscious black locks and olive skin only add to her allure. She’s now in the fourth grade, the same grade I was in when I developed my first crush on a boy. (His name was Brett Vandersnook, a short, blonde-haired, blue-eyed dreamboat who wore a Hugo Boss sweatshirt in a shade of teal that brought out his eyes. He was a wonder on the monkey bars. But I digress.) For the last year or so I’ve periodically checked in with Prov about her feelings toward boys. So far her reaction has been the same; they’re just friends, nothing special. I know the tide will start to turn any day now for her, and as it turns out, some of her peers are already there.

Providence came home from school a week ago and turned over a note to me, written by a boy in her class. It said, “I like you. Do you like me, even though we just met?” (except without the proper spelling or punctuation, but I’m a writer and can’t leave it uncorrected even for the sake of accuracy, so just use your imagination). Sweet, right? Here’s the kicker. At the bottom of the note he’d made two check boxes, both labeled “No.” I stared, nonplussed. Either this kid lacked some serious confidence or he was a terrible proofreader. (I’d assume the latter.) This was Prov’s first note from a boy, ever. A few days later, she informed me a different boy had approached her on the playground during recess and said, “My friend over there on the swings, wanted me to tell you that he love likes you.” (Apparently “love likes” is the equivalent to the expression “like like” when I was in fourth grade. As in, “I know you like him, but do you like like him?”) Neither of these incidences seemed to draw my daughter into the boy crazy culture that so many of her peers have already dove into headfirst. When asked how she felt about being “pursued” (because let’s be honest, notes discreetly left in a backpack and messages relayed through friends is exactly what that is in the realm of fourth grade boys), my beautiful, wise girl simply said, “I think we’re too young for any of this stuff. I’m not ready to be more than friends with anyone and I don’t think those boys are either.” I would love to tell you she got this maturity from me, but I confess I was an entire year younger than her when I cut Brett Vandersnook’s face out of my class picture and wedged it into a heart-shaped locket around my neck. (And yes, I just realized how maniacal and stalker-ish that makes me sound.)

I’m walking that fine line as a parent, you know the one I mean. I’m grieving her childhood, that blissful season in which my biggest concern was how many watermelon slices were too much for her to consume (the girl ate her weight in watermelon as a toddler). I miss putting bows in her hair and taking her to Gymboree classes. I miss hearing her giggle as I pushed her on the swings. Yet I kind of love that all the board books have been replaced by hefty-sized chapter books on her shelf. I love watching her soak up a novel as ravenously as I do. I love talking about boys and spats with friends and answering her hard questions about theology. I’m kind of excited about entering the world of training bras, shaving legs, and lip gloss. It’ll be fun to have another “woman” in the house. I’m not so naive to think those things don’t come without challenges though. Lord knows I remember the raging hormones and the mood swings that kept me out of my parent’s good graces more often than not. I’m bracing myself for the good, the bad, and everything in-between as my daughter enters her early tweens. For now, though, I’m choosing to stay present and enjoy this sweet space we’ve found ourselves in.

Providence confides in me, voluntarily. This is a precious gift to my mama's heart. She doesn’t get embarrassed when we talk about the changes her body will go through or the boys who think she’s cute. She tells me all about the tiffs her friends have at school and we talk about ways she can help mediate without compromising her friendships. Prov’s favorite thing to hear from me are examples from when I was her age, (and I have no shortage of stories). I think it makes me relatable to her, even though we’re 29 years apart. She needs to know I’ve been there, I get it, I’ve gone through all the same things; I’m safe and I’m trustworthy. What’s most important though, is that she understands not all my actions or choices were good ones. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I hope she does too. I got my first kiss on the cheek and held a boy’s hand at the young age of ten. My first kiss on the lips was at the age of eleven. I can tell you with complete certainty I was too immature to handle any of it. I was assertive with boys and I did not have a decent understanding of appropriate boundaries. I know children today are exposed and pressured to more things I couldn’t even dream about when I was young. The boundaries of what’s deemed “appropriate” are getting blurrier and blurrier. I pray my daughter maintains her discerning and cautious heart in a world that will pull and push her in every direction but the straight and narrow. I’m grateful she trusts her Dad and me to protect her and place those boundaries for her, for as long as she needs us.

Last night my husband and I had an intentional discussion about how to help guide Providence through this uncharted territory of boys and unrequited crushes. We were reminded of a book we used to read her when she was little called, The Princess and the Kiss. It was a sweet story about a young princess whose parents gifted her with her very first kiss when she was born. They guarded it safely for her until she was old enough to care for it herself, and when the time came that the right man came along, he went through her parents first. Zach and I agreed that while our daughter is young, we are the guardians of her heart. Our job is to provide her with the support she needs as she responds to boys and their interest in her. She comes home to us and tells us she thinks she’s too young and she’s not ready, but it’s hard to communicate that to her peers without hurting their feelings or setting herself apart from the crowd. She needs us to assure her to trust her heart and to never say or do anything that makes her uncomfortable. The sooner we can equip her to stand her ground where boys are concerned, the safer she’ll be. God’s word makes it evident how important this is. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Oh that my little girl could learn this at the young age of ten. May she trust us implicitly to teach her how to set guardrails around her precious heart. The trajectory of her life depends on it.

I’ll admit, as comical as it was, I was relieved Prov’s classmate didn’t give her the option of checking “Yes.” She wasn’t ready anyway.