A Doris and May Friendship

One of my all-time favorite movies is, “A League of Their Own.” It’s an American classic, based on the true story of the makings of the first professional women’s baseball league in 1943. I started playing softball when I was 7 years old. “A League of Their Own” was released when I was 9. By then I’d developed a deep love for the sport and I was in awe of the women who played it for a living, showing America what they were made of. I watched it over and over until I had all the lines memorized. Nearly thirty years later I still know every line and never tire of watching it.

While most fans connect with the storyline of Dottie and Kit, the two sisters with a love/hate relationship, my favorite storyline is that of Doris and May, (played by Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna), best friends who care more about each others’ success than their own. Their humor and sarcasm make the movie, in my opinion, but more than anything I just love how they brag on each other and celebrate each other’s victories. There’s not even a hint of jealousy or competition between them. Instead of stealing the show, these besties push each other into the limelight. This is how it should be. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Friendships that can do this will withstand the test of time. I can count on one hand the number of friends I have who genuinely champion me and desire only good things for me. I refer to them as my “inner circle.”

But why are these kinds of friendships so hard to find and maintain? The temptation to compare, compete, and envy, is ridiculously strong. When we see our friends earn that big paycheck, gain wild success in a new business endeavor, lose that 20 pounds, land their dream house or take a luxury vacation, why is it so hard to be happy for them? Our sinful, human hearts, are inclined to choose discontentment and jealousy. The success of others only makes us feel less than. Have you ever lost a friendship over this? I know I’ve lost a few. It’s painful to see relationships dissolve over the condition of our hearts. I haven’t always had friendships seaworthy enough to withstand the waves of comparison. My five “inner circle” friends I mentioned? I met all of them in the last ten years.

Since being in my 30’s, my self-confidence has grown exponentially. I know who I am. I know what I’m gifted in. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. I am secure in both. Confidence is key to combating jealousy. If we’re confident in who we are, the desire to be like someone else, wanes. Galatians 6:4 says, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else” Confidence comes from within. Pride comes from comparison. I don’t begrudge my friend her financial success in real estate- it’s her calling, not mine. I don’t envy my bestie’s gorgeous new home- I love my home because it’s a reflection of my family. Those friends who just started their dream job or bought their family a boat? I’m thrilled for them. Would I love to have those things too? Of course, I would. But they achieved those things by working hard at what they’re gifted and called to do. I’m gifted and called elsewhere, so it’s like comparing apples to oranges. Comparison robs us of joy, not just joy for others, but joy for ourselves. When we compare, our contentment dissolves, and our relationships start to dissolve with it. How a friend responds to your success is a true tell of the kind of friend they are. In the same way, how we respond to a friend’s success, is telling of the condition of our heart.

The day I launched this blog, one of my “inner circle” besties sent me a video message. “I’m SO very excited for you! Like, genuinely, I want to dance! This blog is going to be such a beautiful platform, Anne, and you are going to touch so many lives just with your humility, your transparency, and your sarcasm. I KNOW it’s going to be good! I am one of the first subscribers!” (That’s a direct quote. She’s the greatest.) She is a Philippians 2:3 friend through and through. Aside from my husband, no one champions me and supports me the way she does. I receive encouragement and affirmation from her every single day. Every. Single. Day. My bestie makes me feel like I am the funniest, most gifted, most beautiful woman she knows. We celebrate each other’s successes and we pray over each other when we’re worried or discouraged. She is a successful and gifted therapist, yoga instructor, and now an aspiring writer. She is outwardly stunning and her heart is the purest. I know no one who is in step with the Holy Spirit the way she is. She humbly allows herself to be carried by His grace and gives Him all the glory for every good thing in her life. I admire her and treasure her. I will never tire of applauding her.

Five years ago I stepped out in faith and spearheaded a brand new mom’s ministry at my church. The morning of our first official gathering, my phone blew up with text messages from another of my “inner circle” besties with encouraging words like, “Today’s the day!!! You’re doing it!! All your hard work is culminating to this morning and it’s going to be AMAZING!! I’m so thrilled for you and so proud of you!!” Later that year this same friend launched her own children’s clothing boutique- I was the first in line to be a customer. She’s since moved out of state, but now she’s a real estate agent and she’s KILLING IT in her first year. I couldn’t be more thrilled for her. This friend is gorgeous, intelligent, stylish, and a phenomenal momma of three. I could never do what she does. She’s also a humble, hot mess, wearing her imperfections and struggles on her sleeve. This is why I never tire of applauding her either.

Surrounding myself with friends who not only value but point out my worth has made all the difference for me. It’s hard to feel down on yourself when you have friends who’ve permanently planted themselves in your cheering section. When those same friends find success and happiness, you want to rally around them in return. Can you think of a time when you went all out to celebrate someone else’s success? Didn’t it feel fantastic? It’s so gratifying to cheer someone on, especially someone you love. The love we have for our friends, our inner circle, is genuine. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 tells us love does not envy, nor is it proud or self-seeking. The bottom line is, that there is no love in comparison.

If you don’t have an inner circle, you’ll see one start to take shape when you devote yourself to honoring others above yourself, to rejoicing with those who rejoice, instead of sulking in your discontentment. You will find true, kindred, Doris and May-type friendship. I’m praying you do because when the waves of life hit, we need friends we can trust to uphold us. We need friends to pray God’s best over us, to carry us when we struggle, and most importantly to dance with us when there is cause for celebration. We need friends to brag on us and push us into the spotlight, ready to sing our praises when we can’t find the words ourselves. In-kind, we need to take pleasure in the shadow behind the curtains and revel in the victory of our friends.

The most famous line from “A League of Their Own,” is when Tom Hanks screams out, “There’s no crying in baseball!” It’s a great scene, to be sure, but my favorite line is during an entirely different scene. Madonna’s character, May, is being photographed and interviewed by the press after a game. She’s very popular with the fans, and she basks in all the attention. Her best friend Doris walks up and May immediately introduces her to the photographers saying, “This is Doris Murphy, the best player on the team.”