“Fatherfull”
I often wonder how different my children’s lives would be if their birth mothers hadn’t chosen adoption. I’m certain they would have been loved. I’m certain they would have been provided for, at least in the most basic ways. But I’m also certain they would have been fatherless. We know nothing really about our daughter’s birth father. According to her biological mother, he could be one of two different men, his name unknown, and his ethnicity may or may not be fully Filipino. That’s it. Whoever he is, he doesn’t even know of our daughter’s existence. Things with our son’s birth father aren’t quite as cut and dry. He was very aware of our son’s conception; he even visited our son’s birth mom in the hospital during labor. He met us. He signed off on the adoption plan. He had no interest in parenting. He came back to the hospital after our son’s birth, supposedly to meet him, but he lost his nerve and retreated before ever laying eyes on the baby. We write him letters every three months, updating him on his son. We’ve done this for over six years; he hasn’t read a single one. I can only speculate as to why. I grieve for the two men who live on in my kids. They have no idea what they’re missing. I grieve those lost relationships for my children. I grieve all the missing pieces of their past, heritage, flesh, and blood. My grief is short-lived though, because I look across my family room to my husband, the love of my life, nestled between our two beautiful children, and I thank God he’s taken them from fatherless to “father full.”
The opportunity my husband, Zach, has been given is immense. He has an all-important role, the exclusive title of “Daddy.” It’s a huge job weighted with responsibility, but no one is better suited than him. I knew he was going to be an amazing dad the same day I realized he was an amazing boyfriend. From the very beginning, he treated me with respect, kindness, and compassion. He went above and beyond to make sure I knew how much he cared about me. Zach has never been anything other than chivalrous and thoughtful.
Being a pastor, I knew I’d have to learn to share him with the church. I knew his job would often be demanding and thankless, and certainly never high in pay. I’m not sure I would’ve entered into a serious relationship with him if he hadn’t set such a high standard from the beginning. Since the early days of our relationship, Zach has made a habit out of keeping me in the loop on all things church-related. He tells me when his meetings are, and who they’re with, and he constantly asks for my insight and wisdom. He’s ensured I’m comfortable with everything on his calendar and he’s always given me full veto power over it all. There hasn’t been a single day in our relationship when Zach hasn’t asked me, “What can I do to help you?” He is quick to jump up and serve in any way I need him. He’s remained steadfast and faithful in these habits for the last fifteen years. When he became a dad, he didn’t need to learn how to put our family first. He was already doing it.
I love watching the relationship grow between Zach and Providence. Her birth mother made a brave choice and as a result, our daughter has grown up with a Godly man who makes her feel seen, heard, and deeply valued. Her Daddy affirms her gifts and her worth every single day. He takes her on dates, he puts her first, and he shows her what a gentleman looks like. (These are all things he does for me too.) Zach pushes Providence to take risks and face failure with courage. He’s never once asked her to be perfect. If you ask Providence what kind of man she wants to marry someday, the first thing she’ll tell you is, “He should love Jesus and love me. Just like Daddy does.” She understands her Daddy’s love and she is his girl through and through. This is why she struggles more than any of us when the demands of his job pull him away from her constant desire for quality time.
Not that long ago she vented her frustration to me during bedtime. She was annoyed that she had chores to do, feeling it was unfair Daddy didn’t have nearly as much responsibility for keeping the house in order as the rest of us, (because he’s not home as much as we are). I was very quick to enlighten her. I explained that Daddy does more than his fair share. His long hours of work, evening meetings, and Zoom calls all provide for our family. His hard work is the reason we have food in our fridge, water in our faucets, and lights that turn on. His commitment to his job is what pays for her to play soccer, attend summer camps, and own shelves full of books. He may have to work on an occasional evening or take a phone call on his day off, but he has never missed a soccer game, awards ceremony, or school concert, and I can count on one hand the number of family dinners he’s missed around the table. When he walks in the door, he is one hundred percent Dad and husband. He leaves work at work. Zach has shown up for her and for us in every way possible. “Don’t you dare take him for granted,” I gently cautioned her. Her eyes grew wide in understanding. “I didn’t realize,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I said he doesn’t do enough.” How blessed she is to be “father full.”
Our son, Justice, and Zach couldn’t be more different. Justice is a Mama’s boy. He loves cooking, crafts, reading, singing at the top of his lungs, and inventing new dance moves. Zach loves none of those things. Zach grew up in a house of boys who watched WWF wrestling, played with GI Joes, and ran outside to play ball before ever picking up a book. I love the way Zach has intentionally sought to pursue Justice and love him in the ways he needs, despite how different they are. He invites Justice to help him prepare meat for the smoker. He pulls out the paints and brushes and says, “Let’s make art!” He’ll play silly songs at full volume and encourage Justice to be exactly who he is. It’s a precious thing to witness. What I love most, though, is how Zach trains Justice to be a leader and protector. On many occasions, Zach has interceded, guiding Justice away from words or actions of disrespect toward me or Providence. He consistently reminds Justice of his calling to care for, serve, and look out for the women in his life. Justice is growing up in a home with a father who models love, affection, honor, and respect for women. He’s only six but he has already made a habit of loving women well. He opens doors, pays genuine compliments, and expresses constant gratitude and love for the women around him. His Daddy is showing him how it’s done; his Daddy has never needed to step up because he’s never stepped down. His Daddy made him “father full.”
Zach is not perfect. He is flawed, like all of us. He would never profess to have fatherhood mastered or even vaguely figured out. But his strength lies in his pursuit of a God who IS the perfect Father. Zach’s wisdom comes from following God’s example for fatherhood over any human example. Whether or not he felt seen, valued, or loved unconditionally by his father is irrelevant, because he understands how deeply loved he is by his Heavenly Father, and that is what makes him the fantastic dad he is.
We will never know how much of Providence’s looks are from her birth father, or how much of Justice’s personality is like his birth dad’s. I hope they learn to be okay with that someday. I hope they can be assured knowing that Zach is exactly the dad God wanted them to have and that they have all their needs met by him and by their heavenly Father. I trust Zach completely with this all-important role of leading our kids in the ways of the Lord, guiding them, and, loving them in the same way our Father does for us. I hope someday when Providence and Justice begin to wonder about their "real" dads, they'll quickly look to Zach and see that he's as real as they get, and they don't get any better than him.