From Regret to Success
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know I’ve clocked some long, torturous hours in what I like to refer to as The Land of Regret. Through God’s grace and conviction over the years, The Land of Regret isn’t even so much a spec in my rearview mirror anymore. (Hallelujah!) I left it all behind me and flipped it the bird as I yelled, “Eat my dust!” out the open car window, (metaphorically speaking, of course). So now the question becomes, “What’s next?” I’m not allowing myself to look behind me anymore, wondering what could have been or where I went wrong. But those regrets are still part of what made me who I am today. What will become of them?
Regrets, to some extent, are just broken dreams. They’re endeavors we tried and failed at, relationships we let go of, resolutions we never kept, and goals we fell short of meeting. They’re addictions we didn’t overcome, the money we overspent, and words we didn’t say (or never should have said). We all have them. I have so many I couldn’t possibly count them all (and I never will again because nothing bummed me out more than tallying up all the ways I crashed and burned). I released my regrets a long time ago; I surrendered them to the only One who could be trusted to bury them properly. I asked Him to keep me from unearthing them ever again. True to His word they have remained buried, but here’s the thing: they’re not dead. I’ve put a lot of distance between me and my regrets, and it wasn’t until I reached a certain mile marker that I was ready to see what had become of them all. I’m amazed at what I’ve found. God has done what only He can. He’s taken my regrets and He’s turned them into new dreams, new goals, and new possibilities. God has breathed new life into my failures.
One of my regrets was quitting the piano after twelve years of lessons. The Yamaha upright piano from my childhood resided in my home for years as a constant reminder of what I’d let go. I’d sit down and play a familiar song from time to time, but once I realized my children had no interest in taking it up themselves, I began to accept the inevitable: the piano needed a new home. Our move from Arizona to Mississippi was the perfect opportunity to find a new owner. My dear friend, Valerie, had just lost her father unexpectedly to Covid. Her mother, Leslie, (the sweetest soul you’ll ever meet), found herself suddenly a widow and in the turbulent throes of grief. Leslie was relocating from her home in Texas to Arizona after her husband’s passing. Valerie told me her mom may be interested in buying our piano and asked if they could come by one night to take a look at it. It turns out, Leslie can PLAY. She sat down at my piano and her fingers began to fly across the keys. My home was filled with music and my eyes were filled with tears. Leslie had given my piano new life, and with that, all my regret turned into a new dream; a dream in which Leslie would take my piano home and play music to heal her grieving heart. I saw the tears in Valerie’s eyes as her mom found peace in the piano’s song and I can tell you I have no regrets about my decision. My long-lost dream became Leslie’s new one. Only God could do that.
Another regret I left behind was that of the reckless spending habits that landed me in a mountain of debt. I’ll spare you all the details but I stand before you humbly today and say I am completely debt-free. Quite honestly it puts a lump in my throat just thinking about it. There were long, dark seasons in which I felt certain I would always be paying back someone or some institution, no matter how hard I tried to stick to a budget. I have worked diligently to live within my means and develop healthy financial habits for years and I’ve been intentional in keeping completely honest communication with my husband. I don’t say any of those things lightly, because for me, even still, it is a daily internal struggle. And though entirely undeserving, I have been at the receiving end of wild generosity which has contributed to my debt-free status. God’s kindness and provision for me in this area are utterly dumbfounding. Articulating my gratitude for everyone involved in getting me to this point is an insurmountable task. It is because of God’s redemption over this regret that I can now afford to be generous and bless others who are where I once was. I’ve always dreamed of being able to do that, and now I can.
Finally, I’ve made no secret of my desire to someday, finish my college degree. The mental health battle that kept me from finishing is one God claimed victory over long ago. Someday has finally come. I’m currently enrolled in an online degree program at SNHU, and in less than two years (Lord willing), I will hold my Bachelor of Arts in English & Creative Writing, with an emphasis in non-fiction. It feels so surreal. I’ve been mulling over doing this for YEARS. I’ve casually looked online for programs, then chickened out before I could even send an email. I’ve fretted over what credits would even transfer from all those Bible college classes I took back in the day and I’ve convinced myself a degree isn’t even necessary for all kinds of reasons. No more. God has unearthed my very biggest regret and He has transformed it into my biggest, most attainable goal yet. I CAN DO THIS. I AM doing this! And I’m doing it for me and God. No one else. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I’m not trying to redeem myself in anyone’s eyes. I’m not trying to be enough, or more than exactly who I am. I’m doing it because it’s time to shake off the dust of this regret and redefine it as an achievement. Only God can do that.
On that note, I have chosen my word of the year, (something I’ve only ever done once before), and it’s succeed. This word has never really had a positive connotation for me, probably because I usually put the words "failed to” in front of it. (That’s Land of Regret talk.) Sure, I have success in things like executing a new recipe or even in parenting, (from time to time), but on the grander scale of life let’s just say I leave a lot of things unfinished, and to succeed at something implies I have to finish, (and not just finish, but finish well). So many years in the Land of Regret have taught me to just quit before I get my hopes up. It’s why I don’t typically set goals or cast visions, or pick a word of the year. So here’s why I chose this word that is so uncharacteristic for me: I’ve already done it! I’ve already succeeded at so many things! None of them are things I’ve attempted to do on my own, mind you (ie: the 90 Day Obsession Beach Body workout, the caffeine detox, the herb garden, the completing a box of Crest White Strips for the love of all that is holy, and on and on and on). My successes have all come from God’s transformative work over my failures. When I hand over control and I trust Him to do what only He can do, success is in the bag! It’s through Him that I launched a thriving mom’s ministry. It’s through Him I gained financial freedom. It’s through Him that I started a blog! And it’s through Him that I will attain my degree. So, excuse me while I SUCCEED.
“Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.” -Proverbs 16:3