Innately Wired

In a world full of Meyers Briggs, Strengths Finder, Enneagram, Jung personality test, the Big Five, and plenty of others, it seems odd if one does NOT know their personality type. Well, I confess, I have a strong aversion to self-assessments. The questions are so vague and to each one, I want to reply with, “It just depends!” My reactions to situations vary depending on my mood, my environment, and who I’m with. How can I possibly answer assessment questions with anything other than “sometimes yes, sometimes no,” and when I do that, there’s no way for the results to make me look anything other than indecisive and lacking in any strong personality traits (which is obviously inaccurate). I’ve gone through life just fine without knowing my number, my letter, my color, or whatever else I could be categorized by. I know who I am. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I know what irks me and what calms me down. I don’t need a self-assessment test to identify what I already know. So why did I finally cave and take the Enneagram test?

I recently read Jen Hatmaker’s latest book, Fierce, Free and Full of Fire, in which she writes in great detail about the value of knowing what makes you, you. She says: “I’ll simply say that the Enneagram read me my mail so accurately, I was afraid to discuss it publicly because now you people know exactly what makes me tick. They’ll know my weak spots! They’ll know how I’m gross sometimes! They’ll know what motivates me! How dare the Enneagram put our real selves on display for everyone to see. (One of its best features is not only showing us our best qualities but also revealing how we feel and act when disintegrating: Look! Here you are at your absolute best! A created masterpiece and a joy to the world! And this is what you look like when you become a monster. Have a nice day.)” This got me thinking that perhaps I’ve avoided self-assessments for the light they shine on not just the good, but the ugly too. (As it turns out, it’s typical for someone of my Enneagram number to be overly critical of oneself and strive for perfection. So it’s no surprise that I don’t want to see all my weaknesses bullet-pointed in a lengthy list.)

Last week curiosity got the better of me and I decided I wanted to join the conversation that’s been taking our culture by storm. I paid the twelve dollars to take a true, certified Enneagram test. I figured if I was going to do it, I should at least make sure it was legitimate. (God bless my husband and his endless patience. He’s a certified Strengths Finder coach, passionate about helping others on their journey of self-discovery, and here I’ve held out for years only to cave and take the Enneagram. I’m sorry babe.) I struggled through the questions and found myself repeatedly muttering, “I don’t know. Maybe? Ugh.” Soon I had my TEN PAGE evaluation in hand. I was bored just looking at it. I rolled my eyes. How do people find this so entertaining? (I’m looking at you, husband of mine.) I’ll confess I still haven’t worked my way through all of it in great detail, but I’ve skimmed it thoroughly and read the main results closely. I was taken aback by how well Enneagram had me pegged. (I am an Enneagram One primarily, also ranking high as a Three and Eight). I wasn’t surprised by anything I read. (I’ve been a list maker and organizer since I was old enough to do either, and I’ve never liked a sudden change in plans. The more I read about myself the more I questioned why everyone else wasn’t an Enneagram One also. Why wouldn’t everyone want to follow the rules and have a plan in place for every possible scenario?!) I know myself pretty well, but there was something deeply gratifying about seeing my personality spelled out in great detail. I nodded in agreement as I perused the pages of results. I’d never been able to describe myself the way that Enneagram did.

Self-discovery can be fascinating and terrifying at the same time. It’s affirming to see what we’re good at and embarrassing to see what we struggle with. (Yay that I’m productive! Boo that I’m more focused on productivity than fun.) We can choose what we do with both. We can choose to be prideful in our strengths, or we can thank God for them and strive to use them for His glory. We can choose to be ashamed of our weaknesses, even allowing them to lead us into sin, or we can turn them into opportunities to improve, surrendering them to Christ and asking Him to make the most of the mess.

My husband (a pastor as well as a Strengths Finder coach), and my best friend (a counselor), love nothing more than settling in for a good “unpacking” of my personality. As much as I bemoan their in-depth questioning, they often help me see layers of myself that I haven’t peeled back in a long time, if ever. I trust them to affirm my strengths and push me to do more with my gifts, but also to call me out when my weaknesses have caused hurt or neglect. When I read my Enneagram results, I knew it was spot on because not only did I see things I’d always seen in myself, but I saw things others had pointed out in me. Self-evaluation is only accurate if your trusted inner circle backs up the results.

The thing I appreciated most about the Enneagram test, was that it didn’t pigeonhole me into a career path or assume I should pursue certain life goals. It simply shed light on who I am. I can’t tell you how many times I used to get stuck asking myself questions like, “What should I DO with my life? What direction should I go? Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing? Am I using my full potential?” (These aren’t just questions for wandering college students in their twenties, apparently.) I have also self-deprecated with words like, “I could have been a (fill in the blank).” But God has faithfully reminded me that who I am matters far more than what I have and haven’t done. Growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher. I spent countless hours setting up my stuffed animals and dolls in a “classroom” as I’d perch above them on the coffee table and read storybooks aloud, carefully ensuring everyone could see the pictures. As I grew, it was clear I was strong in leadership and administrative gifts, and I loved working with kids. I held onto the dream of becoming a teacher until I graduated high school. It would be easy for me to sit here, at age 38, and regret the choice I made to veer from the path I’d pursued so passionately as a child. I could make a solid case for how I wasted my potential. Instead, I choose to see how God has used who I am. I didn’t become a teacher in an elementary school as I envisioned. But I did work with high school students for two years, helping them grow in their relationship with Jesus and teaching them how to share the gospel. I mentored college students. I led a women’s ministry for three years. I lead Bible studies on topics God’s given me a passion for. I became a mother, the most important role of my life, teaching my children to share, show respect, read, and most importantly, to know who Jesus is and what He’s done for them. Those gifts of leadership and administration God so innately wired in me as a child are still with me and have been used to teach for His glory and purpose. There is nothing wasted about my potential. The same is true for you.

No matter our personality infrastructure, may we sit in this freeing truth: we are exactly who we are meant to be. Nothing about us is a mistake. (No matter what your siblings told you growing up.) God does not make design flaws. He is incapable of such things. He doesn’t shake His head and sighs heavily when He sees our weaknesses like we often do. He looks at each item on our categorized list of test results and He loves every single one. Every. Single. One. He also doesn’t compare our design to anyone else’s. He wouldn’t dare. (Which means we shouldn’t either. Some of us really need to hear that.) When He created each of us, He had a specific plan in mind, unique to us. (Read Psalm 119 if you need convincing.) He didn’t compile ideas from other creations to make us. He started over, fresh and anew with each of us, thinking of precisely what we would need for the life He had planned for us. We don’t need to be anyone but who He made us to be. I love the way Jen Hatmaker concludes her chapter from Fierce, Free and Full of Fire, called ‘I Am Wired This Way.’ She writes: “There is so much good handwoven into every human person. Such beauty. So many gifts to be spilled generously onto the rest of us. We must show up truthfully because it is in the diversity of our souls this world receives all it needs. We do not need you to be like your neighbor; we already have her. We need you, not for what you do but for who you are.” I love that final emphasis. We are needed, we are created, not for what we do but for who we are. We can shake off the dust of regret and shame and plant our feet firmly in the soil of this solid truth. So whoever you are, whatever makes you, you, use it well. Respect your Designer and His creative license, both in others and in yourself.

I still don’t know that I’ll jump headfirst into the Enneagram trend as so many others have, but I will dive a bit deeper into the strengths, weaknesses, passions, and values of a One, for curiosity’s sake. No doubt I could get lost in self-evaluation. (I’ll spare my readers the ongoing therapy session that could easily turn into.) I doubt anyone but me (or my husband) is interested in hearing all the aspects of my personality. I don’t expect any of it to be life-changing, but it will certainly be eye-opening. I hope to learn ways I can grow and better myself, using my talents and owning my shortcomings. Though I’ve only scratched the surface of those ten pages, I am already in awe at how intricately I’m designed. To think of how many people there are in the world, each of them with a unique set of core values, beliefs, and traits that are specific to their relationships, health, and workplace, is astounding to me. Only God could be so wonderfully creative.

I echo Jen Hatmaker’s words: “I sincerely believe God loves you and me like a crazed, obsessed parent who will never shut up about us. I believe we are precious and wanted and crafted and purposed, every one of us. God knows you and knows me because he had a real hand in thinking us up. And he ‘created our inmost being,’ exactly the thing we are drilling into here. Your inmost being is a masterpiece of divine creativity, and whatever you discover in mining the depths of your soul, it is a great and glorious good for the world and was always meant to be. You are loved and lovable; this is my spiritual thesis. Your inmost being is worth uncovering.”

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:13-14