Wonderfully Made

The most cathartic thing I’ve ever done is purge my closet of any clothes I don’t feel confident in. Why was I hanging on to pieces that made me feel insecure, fitting too snug around certain areas, or looking frumpy, causing me to feel unattractive? A large portion of my wardrobe consisted of things I was sure I’d wear again someday. Someday, when I lost that twenty pounds. Someday, when I had a fancy party to attend. Someday, when I miraculously looked good in yellow. The day I faced the music and took an honest assessment of myself, is the day I was freed. Going into my closet to choose an outfit is no longer a depressing task. In throwing out half my clothes, I gained confidence. I don’t miss a single thing.

The wedding photo. The prom dress. The “skinny jeans” we wore pre-kids. The swimsuit we’re saving for the beach vacation. We all have a reminder of the body we once had or wish we could attain, don’t we? They are depressing reminders of who we no longer are or who we still long to be. They are reminders of the dissatisfaction we have in ourselves or of all the healthy habits we’ve broken. Often looking ahead is just as depressing as looking behind. Our Pinterest boards are filled with hairstyles, homes, skin, and wardrobes we want “someday.” We fool ourselves into thinking any of those things will make us feel more valuable, more accepted, more worthy of love. Why is it so hard to feel satisfied with who and where we are, right now? Why do we struggle to believe we are enough, as is, a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously?

Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I don’t know about you, but for most of my life when I’ve looked in the mirror, I haven’t felt “wonderfully made.” I’ve been quick to criticize, to hone in on my perceived flaws, on the areas of my body I want to change. I’ve struggled with self-confidence, comparison, with negative self-talk. I’ve placed my sense of self-worth in a number on the scale, in pant size, and in the words of others. For most of my life, I’ve listened to the world, which told me the shape of my body determined my beauty and worth. I struggled to listen to God, who as my loving Father, has always intended for me to live in freedom and confidence. This lifelong struggle kept me from ever feeling happy with my body, whether I was in the best shape of my life or at my heaviest weight. More than that, it kept me from being confident around other women. I was constantly fixated on how I measured up to those around me.

Verse 16 of Psalm 139 says, “Your eyes see my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to me.” This means God was thinking of me, of YOU,  planning out every detail of who we would be. He was intentional in His design of us. Because of this truth, we can trust God knew what He was doing when He created us. He designed us with an internal compass, everything we need to be healthy, to maintain our God-given weight (NOT our world-mandated weight), so we can be everything He desires us to be; a mom, a wife, a friend, a mentor and so much more. Our spirit of vanity and perfectionism can be replaced by a spirit of gratitude and a genuine desire to honor God, but this only comes from a deep heart change. A heart change that happens when we realize who we are and who we belong to, and when we recognize that our lives, our beauty, and our bodies are not our own.

For me, this heart change only happened about two years ago, when I decided to let God in on my struggle. It may sound silly, but I’d never actually prayed about it before. I’d never asked God to help me change the way I see myself or the way I talk to myself. I’d never asked Him to help me hear His voice over the voices of the world. It had been my own private, internal struggle for so many years, but it was never unseen by God. Our struggle is never unseen by God. We know this because Psalm 139 tells us, “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me… you are familiar with all my ways... You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.” Not only does He see us and know us, but we are His beloved. “Belovedness doesn’t come from working harder to be more acceptable or more beautiful. You cannot belong based on what you have, what you do, or what others say about you… It is countercultural to live in light of this deep-rooted belovedness because everything around us says we need a constant stream of more to belong. This, friends is a lie. Wrapped in Christ, we have everything,” -Ashley Hales, Finding Holy in the Suburbs. I hear this truth and I breathe a deep sigh of relief. I can quit striving for an image concocted by the world. Even if I achieve it, I know better than to think I’ll be any more satisfied. Who I am is enough.

God and I worked through these truths over the course of two years. I was finally feeling like I was in a healthy place, mentally, emotionally, and physically, when I walked into my first PTO meeting at my daughter’s school. When I arrived, I was immediately overwhelmed by thoughts of comparison and insecurity. These moms all seemed gorgeous, well-styled, and just so, “together.” How could I possibly fit in? The voice of the world was deafening. “Ugh, I’ve got to get in better shape. I should get highlights in my hair. I wonder if I could afford to dress like her? Look at the diamond ring on her hand- I bet she has tons of money,” and on and on it went. After the meeting I went back to my car and sat in the quiet, praying. When I thought back on that meeting, I recalled how catty and hung up on gossip some of the women were. I was turned off by much of their conversation. There in the quiet of my car, God reminded me of Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” It was frightening how quickly my struggle with self-worth reared its ugly head, and how easily I fell for it. I knew it was going to be a long battle.

One of the best ways to learn how to walk in the truth that our body is beautiful is to talk to God about it. Ask Him to help us see ourselves through His eyes, rather than through the eyes of the world- the world that tells us we’ll never be enough. If we want to love our body, we need to fall in love with the One who made it! Go to God, our Maker, our Designer, and ask Him to help us place our worth in the same things that He does- how we use the body He gave us to serve, love, and bless others. Ask Him to help us view exercise and healthy eating as an act of worship, caring for our body because it belongs to Him, not us (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). The more we seek Him out in prayer and in reading His word, the more we’ll find ourselves hungering for a deeper relationship with Him, and the more we’ll find our satisfaction in Him, not in the mirror.

As God has helped me claim victory over the lies of self-doubt and self-loathing, He’s led me to help other women through their journey of healing and hard truth. It’s been an honor and a privilege to walk alongside my peers and help them see who they are through God’s eyes, not the world’s. We spend weeks diving into God’s word and digging deep into our past- revealing lies we were told or shame we’ve harbored in the dark corners of our hearts. It’s hard. But oh the transformation I’ve seen. We’ve taken sledgehammers to our scales and we’ve burned up papers filled with the lies we’ve told ourselves for years. There is such freedom in accepting who we are, as we are. There is such freedom in letting go of who we think we should be, of who we used to be. We are worth so much more than we tell ourselves.

I’ve been reading, Little Women, with my daughter, and I’ve come to love Marmee, the mother of the four March sisters. When her young girls are struggling with vanity and comparison, she gently tells them, “If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that’s all that you are. Time erodes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind: Your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage. These are the things I cherish so in you.” I imagine our heavenly Father whispering these same words to us. He does not ask us to lose weight, erase our wrinkles, gain followers on social media or perfect our wardrobe to make ourselves worthy of His love. We can hold our heads high and walk in confidence, knowing His death on the cross already did that.

*This song speaks beautifully to who we are in Christ, wonderfully made. Soak in the words and let them drown out the voice of the world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcDRp0zWGIw